Aggeliki Kampouri https://www.aggelikikampouri.com/en Fri, 26 Sep 2025 21:14:25 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=7.0 https://www.aggelikikampouri.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/08/favicon_rainbow.png Aggeliki Kampouri https://www.aggelikikampouri.com/en 32 32 How to break the cycle of reactive parenting https://www.aggelikikampouri.com/en/blog-en/how-to-break-the-cycle-of-reactive-parenting Fri, 26 Sep 2025 12:38:34 +0000 https://www.aggelikikampouri.com/?p=15355 My personal story There was a time when my daughter’s big emotions were very present in our life. In the face of those big, overwhelming moments, I would often find that my knowledge and personal work seemed to vanish. My own nervous system would get hijacked, making it difficult to access the tools I knew so well. My ability to be the consistent, sturdy leader my...

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My personal story

There was a time when my daughter’s big emotions were very present in our life. In the face of those big, overwhelming moments, I would often find that my knowledge and personal work seemed to vanish. My own nervous system would get hijacked, making it difficult to access the tools I knew so well. My ability to be the consistent, sturdy leader my child needed would disappear. Some days I could provide the clear limits and calm co-regulation; other days, my own fear and anxiety would take over, which only made things harder for both of us.

Triggers from my own childhood:

I felt overwhelmed and clueless. I could guide other parents, but at that period I could not offer the same to myself. Guilt was very present because I was raised to feel responsible for others’ feelings. I could understand the pathway I needed to follow, but often that clarity came only after the storm. I felt inadequate, alone, afraid, and heartbroken.

Why?

I was raised in a house where aggression wasn’t allowed—not just the behavior, but the feeling itself. Passive aggression was common, and expressing emotions openly was dangerous. Growing up, I never learned to feel, regulate, or understand aggressive emotions as safe.

This meant that when my daughter expressed aggression, my body reacted as if it were in danger. My little self resurfaced, and all my unresolved childhood wounds demanded to be seen and healed. In those moments, we tend to confuse which emotions are whose. It is like playing the game of hot potato.

Parenting from reactivity:

In the face of my child’s big emotions, I sometimes parented from reactivity rather than presence. My triggers and old wounds took control. Like my younger self, I was terrified that my child would feel abandoned or hurt if she “lost connection” with me.

So what did my reactivity look like? I rushed to offer reconnection too soon. My fear that I might hurt her like my parents had hurt me stopped me from allowing her to experience and regulate her big emotions safely.

I realized that by rushing, I was teaching her that her aggression scared me and I was making her afraid of her own feelings. I was unintentionally stealing opportunities for her to build emotional regulation and resilience, skills I wanted her to cultivate.

Breaking the cycle:

I thought it would be easier to break this cycle. After all, I had been in personal psychotherapy for over a decade, I was a certified parent coach, and I had the knowledge. But I was wrong…

Being the first to break a generational cycle is messy, nonlinear, and takes time.

Change doesn’t come magically; it comes with effort, patience, and self-compassion. I had to become aware of my reactivity, look honestly at myself, feel what needed to be felt, and intentionally recognize and work through my triggers.

I allowed myself to learn that connection isn’t lost the moment things get hard, and that repair is more powerful when it comes from calm rather than fear. Moments of disconnection aren’t dangerous, as long as we return to connection when we’re ready. Children cannot learn to tolerate their feelings if we do not first tolerate them in the moment with them.

Reactive parenting doesn’t only come through punishment or yelling; it can also come from fear, guilt, or over-repairing.

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What is reactive parenting?

Have you ever found yourself yelling at your child, only to regret it a moment later? Do you sometimes feel like you’re reacting on autopilot, swept up by the chaos of the moment? If so, you’re not alone. This is what’s known as reactive parenting. It happens when we respond to our children’s behavior in the heat of the moment, often with a quick, emotional, and impulsive reaction.

It’s “survival mode” parenting, where we are triggered and act without pausing to think about what’s really going on.

It can look like:

• Yelling or giving a punishment in the heat of the moment.
• Resorting to threats out of frustration.
• Over-apologizing or rushing to repair out of guilt.
• Freezing or withdrawing to avoid conflict.

This type of reaction doesn’t come from a place of intention; it comes from a place of stress and exhaustion. Our nervous system feels threatened, and we react automatically instead of intentionally.

A quad-panel graphic showing four distinct emotional states: Top left depicts a child holding their head with tangled lines above, indicating distress. Top right shows an adult clutching their head with scribbled lines, representing stress. Bottom left features a sad adult with a tear, head in hand, suggesting guilt or regret. Bottom right displays an angry adult clenching fists with radiating lines, symbolizing frustration or anger.

Example: Refusing to put on shoes

Reactive parenting response:

You are at the door and your child refuses to put on their shoes, and you’re already late. You say it once! …twice…stress rises quickly.

You snap and yell:
“Put your shoes NOW! Why are you always so slow? You never listen! If you don’t put your shoes on right now, we’re not going anywhere and no dessert after lunch!”

What’s happening for your child:

  • Stress and activation of the nervous system:
    The child’s amygdala senses threat (yelling, pressure, fear of losing connection) and triggers fight, flight, or freeze responses. (Harvard Center on the Developing Child)
  • Emotional overwhelm:
    Instead of focusing on putting shoes on, the child’s brain is flooded with strong emotions—fear, frustration, shame, or defiance.
  • Learning through fear:
    The child may begin to associate mistakes or delays with anger and disconnection from the parent.
  • Power struggle loop:
    Their resistance grows because their nervous system is in survival mode, not reasoning mode.

What’s happening for the parent:

  • Stress and nervous system hijack:
    Your amygdala gets triggered by a perceived “threat” (the pressure of being late, the child not cooperating) and triggers your fight-or-flight response. Your prefrontal cortex—the part responsible for reasoning, empathy, and reflection—is temporarily offline.
  • Emotional escalation:
    You feel frustration, panic, or anger rising. Your heart rate increases, breathing may become shallow, and your voice may get louder.
  • Cognitive narrowing:
    In the heat of the moment, your focus narrows to the urgent task (getting out the door), making it harder to see your child’s perspective or respond calmly.
  • Guilt and regret afterward:
    After the interaction, your reflective mind returns, and you notice you reacted in a way that doesn’t align with your parenting values. This can create self-blame, anxiety, or feelings of inadequacy.
  • Cycle reinforcement:
    Your heightened emotional state models stress-driven behavior, which can reinforce your child’s nervous system activation in future moments.
A two-panel image. On the left, a frustrated parent yells at a child who is cowering. On the right, a parent is kneeling calmly to speak with a child, creating a sense of connection.

What is responsive parenting?

This is the opposite. It’s a purposeful, regulated, and empathetic approach. It means taking a pause before deciding how to respond, giving yourself a moment to think about what your child is really communicating with their behavior. It’s about being present, understanding their feelings and needs (yours too!), and choosing a response that is helpful and constructive, rather than just a reaction.

It looks like:

• Pausing to breathe before responding.
• Naming the emotion: “I see you’re angry” or “I can see that something is bothering you”.
• Holding calm authority with compassion.
• Repairing after rupture from a grounded place.

Responsive parenting doesn’t mean permissive parenting. It doesn’t mean children never face limits. Instead, children learn that all emotions are safe to feel and that parents will meet them with steadiness, not fear.

Example: Refusing to put on shoes

Responsive parenting response:

You notice your child refusing to put on their shoes and recognize that you’re feeling the stress of running late.

You pause, take a breath, and remind yourself:
“Accidents and delays are part of learning, and your child is still developing executive function and spatial awareness.”
You say calmly:
“Looks like putting on shoes is tricky right now. Let’s take a moment. You bring the shoes, I’ll help…then we can head out together.”

You guide them without pressure, integrate them into the process, and after they participate, you thank them and, if appropriate, problem-solve together:

  • “What could we do next time to make this easier?”
  • Your child may respond: “I can put on both shoes first, then my coat.”
  • You acknowledge: “That sounds like a great plan!”

“Without pressure” doesn’t mean you have unlimited time or that your own stress magically disappears. It means you are not transferring your sense of urgency and panic directly onto your child. Instead of using your stress to force their compliance, you acknowledge your own feelings and then act as a regulated presence.

What’s happening for your child:

  • Safety and nervous system regulation:
    Your calm presence helps the child’s amygdala down-regulate, allowing them to engage the prefrontal cortex.
  • Learning through co-regulation:
    They experience guidance without threat, learning problem-solving and patience.
  • Emotional validation:
    Feeling seen and understood reduces shame or frustration.
  • Skill-building:
    They practice cooperation, self-regulation, and decision-making in a supportive environment.

What’s happening for the parent:

  • Prefrontal cortex online:
    By pausing and regulating, you stay connected to your reasoning and empathy centers.
  • Calm presence maintained:
    Your heart rate and breathing stabilize, reducing impulsive reactions.
  • Modeling regulation:
    Your child observes healthy coping and regulation in real time.
  • Reinforced confidence:
    Choosing presence over reactivity strengthens your parenting identity and resilience for future moments.

The neuroscience behind it

When parents are stressed, the amygdala (the brain’s alarm center) can hijack the prefrontal cortex—the part responsible for empathy, reflection, and thoughtful decision-making. This explains why reactive parenting often takes over in the heat of the moment, even for knowledgeable, loving parents. (Harvard Center on the Developing Child)

The Polyvagal Theory (Stephen Porges) adds another layer: when we feel safe, our nervous system supports connection and learning. When we feel threatened, we flip into fight, flight, or freeze—exactly what children sense in us.

Comparing the responsive brain (active prefrontal cortex, calm amygdala, leading to calm, connection, and thoughtfulness) to the reactive brain (amygdala on high alert, hijacked, leading to stress, survival, and impulsiveness).

Why responsive parenting is hard (and misconceptions)

Being a responsive parent isn’t always easy. In fact, it can be incredibly difficult, especially when you’re tired, stressed, or just running on empty. It requires you to manage your own emotions first, which is often the hardest part. You might feel like you’re failing, or that it’s impossible to “get it right” all the time. But remember, the goal isn’t perfection—it’s progress.

Even with knowledge, many parents struggle.

  • Misconception 1: “Responsive means permissive.”
    Reality: Responsive parents set limits—they just do it without fear.
  • Misconception 2: “If I stay calm, my child will too.”
    Reality: Calm helps, but children still experience their full range of emotions.
  • Misconception 3: “Knowledge alone is enough.”
    Reality: In the heat of the moment, old triggers often override what we “know.”
    Being responsive is a practice, not a personality trait.
  • Misconception 4: “My parents yelled/punished me, and I didn’t die—I survived.”
    Reality: Survival is not the same as thriving. Yes, many of us “survived” harsh discipline, but often at the cost of carrying hidden wounds: difficulty trusting, fear of conflict, or struggles with self-worth.

Responsive parenting isn’t about keeping kids “comfortable”. It’s about giving them the tools to regulate emotions, build resilience, and feel safe in relationships.

The power of the pause

The single most important tool for moving from reactive to responsive parenting is the “pause.” It’s a simple idea, but it can be a game-changer. When you feel yourself about to react, take a moment to pause. Take a deep breath. This small break gives you a chance to calm your own nervous system and choose a more thoughtful response.

Steps to becoming more responsive

  1. Acknowledge your feelings: When your child’s behavior triggers you, recognize your own emotions. Tell yourself, “I’m feeling frustrated right now,” without judgment (that is key!)
  2. Take a “Mommy/Daddy moment”: Calmly tell your child, “I need a moment to think about this, and I will comeback in two minutes” and step away for those 2 minutes.

  3. Choose your response: Once you’ve calmed down, you can decide on a response that is both firm and respectful. A helpful way to do this is to get on your child’s level, make eye contact, and speak in a calm voice.

  4. Embrace imperfection: Remember that no parent is perfect. The goal is simply to be more responsive than you are reactive. It’s about building a better habit over time.

Walking the path

If you’ve been, or are there, you are not alone. This is a path many of us are walking imperfectly, but intentionally. Awareness and practice are already steps toward change.

Responsive parenting vs reactive parenting is not about perfection. It’s about showing up with presence more often, allowing repair when needed, and breaking cycles one step at a time.

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]]> Stop power struggles when your child talks back — The science-backed “Try again” method https://www.aggelikikampouri.com/en/blog-en/stop-power-struggles-try-again-method Fri, 20 Jun 2025 12:30:04 +0000 https://www.aggelikikampouri.com/?p=14960 As a parent coach, one of the most common challenges I hear from parents is how to stop power struggles when their child talks back, especially when it pushes their buttons. Backtalk often triggers power struggles, making it hard to respond without escalating things further. What if I told you there’s a simple, science-backed way to defuse the tension, reconnect, and help your child develop...

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Mother and daughter playing joyfully at home — building connection through shared moments.

As a parent coach, one of the most common challenges I hear from parents is how to stop power struggles when their child talks back, especially when it pushes their buttons. Backtalk often triggers power struggles, making it hard to respond without escalating things further.

What if I told you there’s a simple, science-backed way to defuse the tension, reconnect, and help your child develop emotional regulation and accountability, without shame or punishment?

The “Try Again” method has been a game changer in our home and in the homes of many parents I support.

When backtalk pushes your buttons: A personal story

As our children grow, so do their brains and their voices. They start experimenting with tone, testing limits, and sometimes saying things that sting. It’s developmentally normal… but it doesn’t always feel great.

If you’ve ever thought: “Why are they speaking to me like that? I’ve never spoken to them this way!” you’re definitely not alone. That’s exactly where I was.

Let me tell you a quick story that made this lesson real for me:

One evening, after a long, playful afternoon, my daughter had a mountain of toys to clean up. (For clarity, we had been working a lot towards collaborative clean-up, and as she grows older, clean-up starts to become more autonomous while I still offer a hand when needed.) She looked around, overwhelmed. And then she looked at me and said with an ordering voice:

👉 “You clean all this up because you played too.”

My first impulse sounded like this:

“Excuse me? I don’t like the way you’re talking to me. You’re being rude. I only played for a while with you out of this entire bazaar of toys, and now you want to order me around? If you didn’t want so much to clean, maybe you should’ve put each toy away after playing instead of saying you’d do it later. I would have helped, but now that you’ve demanded it like this I won’t!”

Oof. That reaction was loud in my head. I took a deep breath and remembered: “Although it feels like that, this is not personal.”

This was her overwhelm talking. Her frustration at realizing how much she had left for later and how tired she now felt. My job is not to fix her feelings. My job is to help her reframe and own her words and actions without shaming, while holding firm limits with kindness.

She wasn’t trying to hurt me. She was dysregulated and reaching for someone safe to toss her hard feelings to. And because I was the safe one, she handed them to me. And in that moment, I didn’t take the hook.

Child and older sibling or parent picking up toys together, hands and legs visible on the floor. Parent may help cleaning up collaborative with child until he learns to be autonomous and that helps to stop power struggles.

What does “Not taking the hook” look like?

💡 Let’s talk about that idea of “not taking the hook.”

When our children speak sharply, throw out a blaming comment, or use a provocative tone, it’s easy to snap back. But that moment, “the hook” is where we get to choose differently.

What does not taking the hook look like in practice?

Visual list of calm responses parents can choose instead of escalating power struggles with kids

Responding with defensiveness (“Don’t speak to me like that!” or “After all I do for you…”) often escalates power struggles. But when we stay neutral and grounded, we model emotional regulation—and that’s how children learn it.

Introducing the “Try again” method

Instead, we need to pause, to keep breathing and be aware of ourselves and stay grounded in the present. And sometimes, it’s simply saying:

🙋‍♀️ “Try again.”

The magic in “Try again” is that it creates a natural pause, not a punishment. It invites your child’s higher brain to come back online, allowing them to practice respectful communication in a moment when their nervous system is just beginning to regulate again. This kind of co-regulated do-over (what experts call co-regulation) is both kind and developmentally aligned.

The phrase “Try again” isn’t just a gentle invitation, it also sets a clear, firm, and kind limit. Many parents struggle with boundaries, worried about being too strict or too lenient. Saying “Try again” communicates that disrespectful or hurtful words aren’t acceptable, while still offering your child the chance to correct themselves without shame or punishment. It’s a healthy form of respectful discipline: firm, clear, and rooted in connection. It’s a healthy way to protect the relationship and teach respect, showing that limits can be kind and constructive, not just restrictive.

Father and child sitting together calmly with the words “Let’s take a break and try again” written in the sky

How to use “Try again” when it’s new to your child

💬 But what if this is new to your child?

If they’ve never heard “try again” before, or if they’re too upset to access it, you can offer a bit more guidance at first:

“I can see you’re trying to tell me something, and I really want to hear you. When you’re ready to use your regular voice so we can talk respectfully, you can try again.”

Say it once. Calmly. Kindly. Then pause. Let the invitation hang. Give them the dignity of choosing to meet you there.

Why “Try again” works: A brain-based insight

When our children lash out, it’s often because they’re overwhelmed. Their brain is in fight-or-flight mode, and the thinking part (the prefrontal cortex) isn’t fully online. That’s why harsh discipline or lectures don’t land: the brain literally can’t process them in that moment.

What “Try again” does is offer a gentle, yet sturdy, cue to re-engage. It signals to your child, “I see you. You’re safe. Let’s try that another way. No pressure, we can wait until you are ready to try again.” This simple phrase invites the thinking brain back online. It offers a second chance with limits, respect, guidance, and without shame.

Illustration of a human brain with an emotional wheel showing uncertainty and dysregulation

It’s not about manners — It’s about repair and connection

It’s not about being polite. It’s about being real. There is no emergency here, no quick fixes.

This is what gentle parenting and conscious parenting look like in action: boundaries with warmth, correction with connection. Some people hear “Try again” and think it’s about manners or forcing a child to perform. It’s not.

It’s about showing children that repair is possible. That relationships can be messy and forgiving. That they can say the wrong thing, feel big feelings and still be loved.

The magic isn’t in the words. It’s in the energy behind them.

So when I say, “Try again,” it’s not with judgment. It’s with warmth. It is an invitation and a belief in her capacity to do better. You help your child develop emotional regulation and accountability by radiating trust that they will achieve it.

Why does this work?

Because it cultivates connection, respect, and collaboration. Because staying quiet, but present, creates space.

And in that space, children begin to own their words and behavior because we take away the pressure and the urgency. We radiate trust, faith, limits, kindness and sturdiness.

They realize:

  • You’re not punishing or shaming them.
  • You’re not taking the bait.
  • You trust them to come back into connection.

This isn’t passive. It’s powerful. And hard! Because in that moment, your whole body may want to correct or control. But instead, you’re offering something different: an invitation to regulate and reconnect. It is your go-to tool instead of feeling helpless and feeling that you need to resort to time-outs, threats, or ignoring just because you feel that there is nothing else left for you to try.

Developmental note: Why young children struggle with regulation.

🧠Especially during the ages where emotional regulation is still forming, often between ages 4 and 8, children are only beginning to form the neural connections that support flexible thinking, working memory, and self-regulation. Their prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain responsible for planning and regulating emotions) is still developing. So when they’re overwhelmed or tired, what comes out can sound harsh, even bossy. Understanding this doesn’t mean you let everything slide. It means you respond in a way that actually helps them grow.

What to do when your child keeps pushing boundaries

But what if they keep pushing?

Stay kind and sturdy. You might say:

“I’m here to listen to whatever you want to share, when you’re ready to talk to me respectfully.”

Then go back to what you were doing. Calm. Unmoved. Kind.

Why?
Because what your child needs isn’t your anger, it’s your leadership. Your calm presence, your clarity, and your belief that they can do better.

Try Again method to stop power struggles during child’s outburst. Calm mother sitting with crying child showing emotional regulation and parental leadership during a meltdown

Encouraging and guiding your child when they try again:

👣 And when they do try again? Even if it’s wobbly, maybe the voice is still a bit sharp, but you can see the effort—acknowledge it.

  • “I see you’re trying, and I really appreciate that.”
  • “That’s your regular voice, I can hear you now. I’m here.”

Guide them gently:

“Let’s take a second, can you tell me what you were really needing back then? Try starting with ‘I was feeling…’ and ‘I was needing…’”

When they share, don’t analyze. Just say: 

“That makes total sense to me. Thank you for helping me understand.”

Then move into collaborative problem-solving: 

“What could we do differently next time to make this easier?”

Let them take the lead. Step in just enough to keep them going if they get stuck.That’s where learning happens. That’s where connection is built.

Real-life example: My daughter's reflection

For my daughter, that looked like:

“I was feeling overwhelmed and I had regretted that I hadn’t taken the time to put things back right after finishing playing with them. I saw them all and I feared that it would take a lot of time and then we wouldn’t have time to read a book before sleep. I needed some help and I didn’t know how to say it. I was afraid that you would say no and I thought that by saying it like that you would help me.”

This process isn’t about obedience. It’s about mutual respect. Respect is something we learn by living it, not by being yelled at or shamed/punished when we mess up.

It’s about modeling the emotional regulation we hope our children will one day offer to themselves and to others.

Mother talking gently with daughter, modeling repair and connection after conflict in a parenting moment

Trust the process and repair the connection

So next time your child’s words sting, take a breath. Say “try again”, and trust that space, silence, and safety can do more than any lecture ever will.

They’ll surprise you.
They’ll come back.
They’ll try again.

And that moment?
That’s where connection grows.

Αγγελική Καμπούρη Πιστοποιημένη σύμβουλος γονέων

A gentle note for parents: Repair is always possible!

If you’ve snapped in the past, or matched your child’s sharp tone with your own, you’re not alone. That happens to the best of us! Repair is always possible.

You can always say:

“Hey, I didn’t like how I responded earlier. Can we try again?”

That phrase isn’t just for kids—it’s for all of us. And it’s never too late to use it.

If this article resonated with you and you’d love hands-on support applying the “Try Again” method in your own family, I’d love to support you. We could work on how to integrate the “Try Again” method in your family. The trickiest part is regulating yourself first—because without that, “try again” can come out sounding like just another command. And you won’t get the beautiful connection, trust, and cooperation it’s meant to build.

You can book your time by getting the free discovery call now.

Book now your Discovery call

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]]> Is parent coaching right for you? What it is, how it works, and how it’s different from therapy. https://www.aggelikikampouri.com/en/blog-en/is-parent-coaching-right-for-you-how-it-differs-from-therapy-and-what-to-expect Tue, 08 Apr 2025 12:41:53 +0000 https://www.aggelikikampouri.com/?p=14463 You feel lost… Overwhelmed… You’re trying so hard to be the parent you want to be – present, patient, connected – but you’re stuck in the same loops. You’ve read the books, listened to the podcasts, followed the parenting pages. You know what you’d like to do… but in the heat of the moment, your own reactions take over. And afterwards? You feel guilty, discouraged,...

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You feel lost… Overwhelmed…

You’re trying so hard to be the parent you want to be – present, patient, connected – but you’re stuck in the same loops. You’ve read the books, listened to the podcasts, followed the parenting pages. You know what you’d like to do… but in the heat of the moment, your own reactions take over.

And afterwards? You feel guilty, discouraged, ashamed.
You wonder, “What’s wrong with me?” or “What’s wrong with my child?”
You wonder, “Why can’t I do it differently?”

This is where parent coaching comes in. Not because there’s something wrong with you, but because you care. Because you’re showing up. And because you deserve support.

So, what is parent coaching?

Parent coaching is a transformative, collaborative process between a certified parent coach and you – the parent. This process is rooted in science-based knowledge and practical tools designed to help you create nurturing, secure, and connected relationships with your children.

It supports you in becoming the parent you want to be — not by handing you generic advice, but by working with your values, your challenges, and your unique child.

It’s not about fixing your child.

It’s about helping you show up differently, with more clarity, confidence, and connection.

What is parent coaching?

While good intentions are a great starting point, research shows that support and structured guidance are crucial in breaking old patterns and developing new, effective parenting strategies. Parent coaching allows you to navigate challenging periods in your parenting, evolve, and acquire new skills.

During coaching sessions, you’ll reflect on your parenting style, identify challenges, and set specific, actionable goals. You’ll also receive guidance tailored to your needs, helping you develop awareness and new skills for everyday situations. Sessions are often conducted online for flexibility and convenience, typically lasting around 45-60 minutes. Many parent coaches offer comprehensive packages that combine educational content with private sessions to work on your empowerment. It is a safe space where you can express yourself and find the support you need.

But… is it really for me?

Let’s break some myths:

Frequently asked questions and common misconceptions from parents regarding parent coaching

“Parent coaching is only for serious problems.”

Nope. Coaching can absolutely support big challenges — like aggressive behavior, emotional outbursts, or power struggles — but it’s also here for the everyday stuff.

Things like:

  • Yelling less
  • Getting out the door without chaos
  • Creating better routines
  • Helping siblings get along
  • Managing screen time without battles
  • Finding more calm, joy, and ease in your day

“Isn't parent coaching promoting permissive parenting? I want my child to have limits and respect.”

This is one of the greatest misconceptions. In reality, parent coaching usually promotes approaches such as responsive, conscious, aware, positive, and respectful parenting. These approaches are neither authoritarian, nor permissive. One of the main principles of parent coaching is creating healthy limits. Children need to feel safe within boundaries; it’s the way those boundaries are presented, the support we offer when children struggle, the responsibility we take as parents, and the way we show up that makes all the difference.

"My schedule is tight—I don't have time for regular sessions."

Any parent who wants to work with a parent coach can discuss the frequency of sessions. Parent coaching is meant to be supportive and something you look forward to, not another burden that overwhelms you.

“Why over-analyze? I had a tough childhood, but I survived!”

We do not aim for our children to simply survive their childhoods. Our goal is to build strong relationships founded on connection, trust, and respect for both sides.

“I’ve read all the books. Coaching won’t add anything.”

Information isn’t the problem — implementation is.

Having knowledge is a strong foundation, but it isn’t enough. In moments of emotional overwhelm, whether yours or your child’s, it isn’t your knowledge that’s challenged but your emotional regulation.

Parent coaching bridges the gap between what you know and what actually happens when your child is melting down in front of you, or when your buttons get pushed.

Parent coaching offers personalized guidance and support that considers you, your child, and your family dynamic holistically. One-size-fits-all strategies may have short-term success, but they often fail in the long term.

Coaching helps you slow down, reflect, and shift patterns, one step at a time, in a way that fits your real life.

"If parenting is meant to come naturally, does asking for help mean I'm failing as a parent?"

Not at all. Parenting is one of the most complex and emotionally demanding roles you’ll ever take on. While instincts do play a part, much of parenting involves learned skills, like emotional regulation, communication, and setting boundaries, that don’t come naturally to most of us. It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking we should have all the answers, that we should figure it all out on our own because we love our children so deeply. But love alone doesn’t equip us with the tools to handle every meltdown, every push-back, or every moment of emotional overwhelm.

Asking for help is not a sign of failure. In fact, it’s a sign of strength and deep commitment to becoming the best parent you can be. Just like we seek guidance from personal trainers, therapists, or business mentors, parents deserve support too. Seeking support isn’t a weakness; it’s a thoughtful choice that shows you care deeply about your child’s well-being and your relationship with them.

Even the most loving and capable parents face challenges and make mistakes. There is no perfection in parenting. Asking for guidance means you’re brave enough to face your own patterns and thoughtful enough to break cycles that could hurt your child or your connection with them. It’s a proactive step toward building a stronger connection with your child, improving your relationship, and working on your parenting style, as well as how you show up for both your child and yourself.

Key aspects of parent coaching

  • Science-Based Information

Learn evidence-backed principles in child development, emotional intelligence, and brain and nervous system growth.

  • Practical Tools and Strategies

Discover techniques to address challenging behaviors and cultivate cooperation.

  • Personalized Guidance

Set your parenting intentions and goals, supported by a coach who helps you build new skills, empathy, and understanding.

  • Supportive Environment

Gain access to a network of resources that reduce the isolation many parents feel today.

For example, imagine a mother who had read all the parenting books and knew exactly what to do when her child had a meltdown. She had a whole toolkit of calming strategies—visual aids, breathing exercises, and mindfulness techniques. But in the heat of the moment, when her child screamed, hit, or threw things, her chest would tighten, her heart would race, and before she even realized it, she’d snap: “Stop it! Why are you acting like this?” The aftermath was always the same—a flood of guilt and harsh self-talk: “I should know better. Why can’t I keep it together?”

Deep down, she started to feel like her child was too much—too intense, too reactive, too difficult. She would brace herself every day, waiting for the next meltdown, walking on eggshells. The connection she so desperately wanted with her child felt out of reach.

After a few sessions with a parent coach, something shifted. The coach helped her slow down and notice what was happening inside her in those difficult moments. She began to understand that her own childhood wounds and unprocessed emotions were being triggered—not by her child’s behavior, but by the feelings of helplessness and inadequacy it stirred up in her. Instead of seeing her child as giving her a hard time, she began to see a child who was having a hard time and didn’t know how to ask for help.

She learned to pause, breathe, and ground herself when her child’s emotions flared. Slowly, the reactive spiral softened. She stopped taking the outbursts personally and started to meet them with calm and compassion. The coach helped her see that the most powerful parenting tool wasn’t the calming strategies or techniques—it was her own emotional state. Once she learned how to soothe herself first, she was able to show up for her child with the presence and safety they both needed. And in that space of connection, healing began for both of them.

Parent coaching vs therapy: what’s the difference?

Therapy

  • Heals past wounds
  • Addresses mental health
  • Often open-ended
  • Therapist is the expert

 Parent Coaching

  • Focuses on present challenges
  • Supports tailored parenting strategies
  • Time-limited and goal-oriented
  • You’re the expert on your child — I’m your guide!

Both can be powerful and life-changing. Sometimes, they even go hand-in-hand. But if what you’re looking for is practical support, new tools, and a space to grow as a parent, coaching might be exactly what you need.

What can you expect to learn from a parent coach?

Working with a parent coach opens up numerous benefits for both you and your family. Here are some key outcomes you might experience:

Deepen your self-awareness

• Deepen your self-awareness:

Begin to notice your default reactions – not just what you do, but why you do it. Maybe you shut down when your child cries, or you raise your voice when you feel ignored. Parent coaching helps you identify your emotional patterns, triggers, and deeply held beliefs so you can respond with intention, not instinct. This self-awareness becomes the foundation for everything else.

• Strengthen your emotional intelligence:

You’ll learn how to stay calm even when your child is spinning out of control. How to take a deep breath instead of snapping. How to choose connection over control. As you learn to manage your own emotions, you’ll also help your child do the same. Kids don’t learn regulation through lectures; they learn it by watching you.

• Communicate with clarity and compassion:

Discover how to truly listen without jumping in to fix. Learn how to set clear limits without threats or bribes. Explore tools like reflective listening, nonviolent communication, and boundary-setting that create safety, trust, and cooperation, without power struggles.

• Parent with presence and mindfulness:

It’s easy to get stuck in autopilot. Coaching helps you slow down and tune in – to yourself, your child, and the present moment. With greater awareness, you start to break old generational cycles and build new, conscious patterns that align with your values.

• Understand the brain and the nervous system behind the behavior:

Gain insights into how your child’s brain and nervous system actually work. Why does your child melt down when they’re overstimulated? Why does your 8-year-old talk back when they’re anxious? When you understand what’s happening beneath the surface, you can respond with empathy and effectiveness. You’ll learn the art of co-regulation, so your calm becomes their calm.

• Navigate tough moments with confidence:

Whether it’s tantrums, bedtime battles, sibling fights, screen-time meltdowns, or big life transitions (like a new baby or a move), you’ll have tools to respond instead of react. You’ll learn how to support your child without losing yourself in the process.

• Grow as a parent, and as a person:

Parenting tests you. Coaching keeps you grounded in your intentions, even when things get messy. It’s not about being perfect – it’s about showing up with curiosity, courage, and compassion. You’ll feel more aligned with the parent you want to be. It is an evolving journey. Parent coaching will help you remain accountable, intentional, and clear about your parenting goals.

Build a stronger, more connected relationship:

• Build a stronger, more connected relationship:

Parent coaching always comes back to the heart of the matter: the relationship between you and your child. It’s about shifting from control to connection, from obedience to cooperation, from “fixing” behavior to understanding it. That’s where true trust grows.

• Prioritize your needs without guilt:

You can’t pour from an empty cup. Coaching helps you recognize your own limits, needs, and emotions – not as weaknesses, but as essential information. When you care for yourself, you are parenting from a place of wholeness, not depletion. That’s not selfish – it’s sustainable.

Parent coaching empowers you not only to solve immediate issues but also to approach parenting with greater confidence and awareness. It’s about being the one who decides how to parent your child, not letting your own childhood or past trauma dictate your approach.

The impact: What changes?

You start to:

  • Respond instead of react
  • Set boundaries with calm confidence
  • Understand your child’s behavior on a deeper level
  • Break intergenerational patterns
  • Bring more play, presence, and connection into your family life

Coaching doesn’t promise perfection. But it does offer progress with support, compassion, and real tools you can actually use.

Curious to explore if coaching is right for you?

I offer a free discovery call — a space to talk about what’s going on and see if we’re a good fit. No pressure, just connection.

Book your free discovery call

The post Is parent coaching right for you? What it is, how it works, and how it’s different from therapy. appeared first on Aggeliki Kampouri.

]]> First day of school 2025: How to ease separation anxiety & build confidence https://www.aggelikikampouri.com/en/blog-en/first-day-of-school-tips-2025 Thu, 27 Mar 2025 14:20:50 +0000 Adjusting to school: How to help your child prepare for school and feel safe and confident Back-to-school season is here again, and with it comes the mix of excitement, worry, and separation anxiety that so many families know too well. Whether your child is starting preschool, kindergarten, or moving up to a new grade, that first day brings big feelings, for children and parents alike....

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Adjusting to school:
How to help your child prepare for school and feel safe and confident

teacher at the kindergarten sitting with children around the table and explaining things

Back-to-school season is here again, and with it comes the mix of excitement, worry, and separation anxiety that so many families know too well.

Whether your child is starting preschool, kindergarten, or moving up to a new grade, that first day brings big feelings, for children and parents alike.

This guide offers practical, neuroscience-backed tools to help you create smoother mornings, calmer goodbyes, and stronger emotional security as your child begins the school year.

Before the first day: Preparation begins at home

Adjusting to school starts long before the first day. Your child needs to feel that they know what to expect, that they have some control and that you are there for them no matter what. This doesn’t mean that your child won’t cry or have difficulties, but it does mean that they will feel supported and safe in this new beginning.

Talk about school with honesty and calm:

Don’t promise that “Everything will be great” or “You’ll have many friends,” as this can lead to disappointment if things don’t go as expected:

👉 “You may feel a little uncomfortable at first, and that’s completely normal. It’s not always easy to say goodbye, especially when we’re starting something new. Remember, it might take some time to get used to the new situation and that’s okay. I will be by your side every step of the way, and together we’ll figure out how to do this in the best way.”

Explain what will happen in simple terms, without exaggeration or dramatization:

👉 “At school, you’ll have a teacher and you’ll meet other children. You won’t know each other at first, but slowly you’ll get to know each other. Every morning I’ll take you there, we’ll have a big hug and a big kiss, and then we’ll say goodbye for a while. And the best part? In the afternoon, when I come to pick you up, I’ll be waiting for you with great joy so we can share our day and talk about what we did when we weren’t together.

Children feel safer when they know they don’t have to be “perfect” or successful at everything from the start. If parents try to sugar-coat situations or protect them from uncomfortable feelings, this often leads to more anxiety and less trust. It’s natural for them to have difficult moments and it’s part of their developmental process. Our job as parents is to support them, to give them confidence and to show them that they can succeed in spite of the unpleasant feelings and difficulties.

Visit the school together:

If possible, go to the school together before the first day. Show them where the classroom, playground, and bathroom are. If possible, meet the teacher as well. These small details make a big difference in helping your child feel that he or she knows the environment and is not lost. Familiarity with the space reduces anxiety.

Prepare school things together:

Involve your child in the whole process of getting ready for school. Go shopping together for school clothes, a backpack, a water bottle and anything else you need. At home, organise the school supplies together and practice packing the backpack and where you’ll store the school stuff. This will give your child a sense of control and help them feel safe.

Read books about school together:

Books are an excellent way to prepare your child. Buy books that talk about school, doing something new for the first time, separation and feelings. Books can help your child identify with the hero, recognise their own feelings and feel less alone. Choose books that encourage curiosity and a positive attitude towards school.

5 Feelings kids have on the first day of school

and the perfect book to help

First day of school feelings infographic with recommended books
Feeling

Books

😢 “I’ll miss you!”The Kissing Hand
😟 “What if I worry too much?”Wemberly Worried
🙈 “I don’t want to go!”Llama Llama Misses Mama
😲 “I’m nervous…”First Day Jitters
❤ “I need to feel close.”The Invisible String

How to handle separation

A smooth separation DOES NOT mean separation without tears.

separating from parent is difficult

Watching our child struggle with separation is likely to fill us with feelings of anxiety, triggering “protective” mechanisms because we feel that our child is not okay, possibly even guilt, thinking “I put my child in this position.”

You may want to tell them that everything will be all right, or try to reassure them in some way to stop them crying. You may think that convincing them will make it easier for them to accept the situation. However, as much as we want to, this process of negotiation and the “carefree” comfort we try to provide is not what our child really needs.

Your child needs to feel that they can trust your calm and reassurance. If they feel that we’re trying to “get rid” of them quickly because we can’t cope with the difficulty of separation, their anxiety will only increase. Our child is smart, they can sense our emotions and if they feel we’re rushing to leave, they will understand and develop feelings of insecurity.

What they really need is to see that while it’s normal to feel upset, we will remain calm, confident and supportive. The strength of our bond, the emotional security we provide, is what will help them cope with the emotions of separation.

So while our child may be crying, they know that we will return and that our attachment is secure. The “secure attachment” we seek is what will allow our child to feel safe and face any transition, such as separation, with more confidence. They need to know that separation is hard for everyone, but with our support they’ll get through it.

The most important thing is to remain calm and reassure them that although they may feel uncomfortable now, you will be back and everything will be fine. This message will reach your child’s heart because what you feel and radiate is what your child perceives. Give both of you time to adjust to the new situation.

Stay calm and steady:

If the child cries or tries to hold on to you, stay calm and show empathy.

👉 “Sometimes it’s not easy to say goodbye, it’s hard to part. It’s okay to miss me, I’ll be thinking about you too. Until it’s time for us to meet again, would you like to draw a heart on each other’s hand? That way, whenever you miss me, you can touch the heart and remember how much I love you and that I’ll be back soon to pick you up. In the afternoon, I’ll be here waiting for you with a big hug.”

If the child sees that you are confident, he or she will feel more secure.

If the child continues to cry or refuses to separate, stay firm and calm:

👉 “I understand it’s hard to stay here without me. You can hold the heart and think about how much I love you. I’ll be back as soon as school is over and I’ll be waiting with a big hug.”

By showing empathy and confidence without rushing, you’ll help your child feel that your bond remains secure even when you’re apart for a while.

Don’t “disappear” secretly:

Some caregivers suggest such practices. Leaving without saying goodbye makes the child feel insecure, anxious, and that you can’t be trusted. Even if the child or you are struggling, it’s important for the child to know that you’re leaving and will be back. Be sure to be consistent about when you’ll be back.

Predictability soothes:

Young children are often afraid that mom or dad will disappear and they won’t know how to get back. Explain to them in simple and clear terms that you will always come back for them. Give them specific information, such as

👉 “I’ll pick you up right after lunch.”

👉 “I’ll meet you at the door like every day.”

👉 “When you look at the clock and see the little hand at 3 o’clock, you’ll know it’s almost time for me to come.”

Being consistent with this information will help reassure your child, especially in the first few days. Your child needs to feel that he or she knows what to expect and that you are stable and predictable, even when the transition is difficult.

The power of the transitional item:

transitional objects, such as a teddy bear, help create a sense of security to our children when we are not with them at school, or at kindergarten

Choose a comfort item that connects your child to you. For example: a drawing you made together, their favorite teddy bear, or a photo of you. This object acts as a “bridge” between home and school, giving your child a sense of familiarity and security when he or she needs you.

The transition object doesn’t have to be anything complicated; it just has to hold emotional value for the child. It could be a heart drawn on their hand, a piece of cloth with your scent on it, or even a small object that reminds them of your connection.

When the child holds or sees this object, they feel that you’ve left a part of yourself with them, and this gives them the strength to deal with the difficulties of separation.

After school: The importance of reconnecting

Welcome your child warmly, not with questions:

Instead of immediately asking “How did it go?” or “Were you good today?” try saying:

👉 “I’m soooo happy to see you!”
👉 “I missed you today!”

This will reassure your child that your connection is safe, no matter how their day went.

Accept the feelings without taking them personally:

When you pick up your child from school, they may greet you with strong emotions. They may cry, act aggressively or seem very quiet and withdrawn. This is normal. It doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong.

Your child is releasing the emotions they have been holding inside during the separation. They feel safe enough with you to express what they’re feeling. If they’re angry, they may feel that you’ve “let them down” or that they’re having a hard time adjusting without you. If they’re quiet, they may still be processing their feelings.

If your child cries or reacts strongly when you return, stay calm and acknowledge their feelings. You can say:

👉 “It’s been hard today, hasn’t it? I missed you too. I’m here now. You’re safe.”

If they are angry or aggressive, remember that it’s their way of dealing with the stress of the day. Show understanding and keep healthy limits without allowing harmful behavior. If they hit you, calmly block their hands and say with confidence:

👉 “I can see you’re really angry. I understand, but I can’t let you hit me. If you want, we can hug or sit together until you feel better.

Remember: We accept all feelings, but not all behaviors.
There’s an important difference here, and many parents get confused; either by allowing every kind of behavior in the name of acceptance, or by shutting down unpleasant feelings because they come alongside challenging behavior.
For example, it’s okay for a child to feel angry, but it’s not okay to hit. 👉 “It’s okay to feel like hitting. That feeling is telling you you’re angry. What’s not okay is hurting someone. Instead, here’s what you can do…”

If they’re quiet, give them time to adjust, and offer a warm hug when they’re ready. The key is to accept their feelings without taking them personally. Children express separation anxiety in different ways, but your calm and steady presence will help them feel safe.

Listen actively without pressuring:

As much as you may want to ask 100 questions to find out everything, hold back. Your child needs to feel connected to you again – not to go through an interrogation (which they probably won’t be able to answer at that moment anyway).

Let them share what they want, at their own pace, and only if they want to. If they’re not ready to talk right away, give them space. You can say:

👉 “When you feel ready, I’d love to hear about your day – and I can tell you about mine if you’d like”.

Create a simple after-school ritual:

A consistent, positive ritual after school can help your child relax. A walk, a snack, or a cuddle on the sofa can help build a sense of security and connection.

You can also create a ritual for the moment of separation. Rituals give children a sense of involvement in creating them and reinforce predictability – and therefore a sense of security.

child on the swing

If your child continues to struggle:

Starting day care or school is a big transition for children.

Adapting to day care or school is a dynamic process that takes time and patience. Children need to feel safe and secure in order to adapt smoothly to a new environment. It’s normal to experience challenges or setbacks during this transition.

Your child may need extra emotional support or guidance, especially in the first few weeks. If you notice that difficulties persist or increase, it’s important to recognize their needs and adjust your approach accordingly. Stay in touch with your child’s caregivers to get a full picture of your child’s adjustment.

Take time to observe your child’s behaviour. How do they react when you drop them off or pick them up? Do they seem to be struggling or adjusting gradually? These observations will help you understand where more support is needed and adapt your approach to meet their needs.

Adaptation is a process that requires consistency, understanding and patience. With your calm and confident presence, your child will feel secure and be able to face this transition with greater confidence.

Remember

👉 Difficult emotions are part of life and shouldn’t be avoided. They are messages that we need to learn to manage, not escape.

👉 Build trust and resilience with your child.

👉 The first day at school or nursery may go more smoothly than the second or third.

👉 Separation is hard. It marks the end of one period and the beginning of another. This transition often brings a sense of loss – not only for the child, but also for the parents.

For the child, moving from the safety of home to school or day care brings uncertainty and fear of the unknown. For parents, separation can bring feelings of sadness, guilt or even doubt – “Maybe my child isn’t ready”, “Am I making a mistake?

Your child doesn’t need to be “strong” or “ready” from day one. They need to feel that you’re stable and confident, even when they’re struggling. That’s what will ultimately help them adapt and feel safe. ❤

Are you ready for this new beginning? You and your child can handle this — together!

💡 If you feel that your child is struggling with this transition or you need support to help them through it, I’m here for you.

👉 Every first day of school is not just a milestone for your child, it’s a milestone for you as a parent. If you’d like more personalized guidance on easing separation anxiety, building confidence, or creating calmer family rhythms, I’d love to support you. You can book a free 30-minute discovery call with me here.

Editor’s Note: This article was originally published in March 2025 and has been refreshed for the back-to-school season. These strategies remain some of the most effective tools for supporting children (and parents!) through the first day of school.

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]]> Good manners: Being genuinely polite (Part 2) https://www.aggelikikampouri.com/en/blog-en/good-manners-part-2 https://www.aggelikikampouri.com/en/blog-en/good-manners-part-2#respond Mon, 15 Apr 2024 10:42:13 +0000 How can I cultivate authentic politeness in my child, in a way that is respectful of my values and respectful of my child? Create a space of emotional safety: Our priority as parents should be the emotional safety of our child, with the aim of creating the right conditions for them to develop and demonstrate social skills when they are really ready. Think of it...

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How can I cultivate authentic politeness in my child, in a way that is respectful of my values and respectful of my child?

Create a space of emotional safety:

Our priority as parents should be the emotional safety of our child, with the aim of creating the right conditions for them to develop and demonstrate social skills when they are really ready.

Think of it as an invisible safe space that we create for our child. In this space we give them the opportunity to try to express themselves, without any pressure or expectation. In this space it’s safe whether or not they succeed in expressing themselves. We are on the same team as our child and we recognize that it’s a process that takes time and that everyone has their own pace. Our goal is authentic kindness. Our aim is genuine politeness.

Show trust:

The ability to express authentic politeness requires time, space, patience, acceptance and a lot of trust on our part. It’s not always easy to show this trust, especially when we are the only ones who perceive the expression of authentic kindness differently.
But think how much lighter we will feel when we can truly experience it! It is liberating to accept that not everyone will understand us, that most people don’t have any knowledge of child development.

So take the pressure off your child and show lots of trust. Children naturally want to connect with others. Just because they need time to express themselves like adults doesn’t mean they don’t feel kindness; it’s just that their social filters are still developing and they’re not ready to function like adults. As Magda Gerber said: “Be careful what you teach, it may interfere with what they are learning.” Our pressure for them to learn and our lack of trust make things more difficult and create barriers to their learning.

So trust yourself and your child. Trust yourself to offer your child kindness and emotional security, and trust your child to be a wonderful being. As long as you set a good example and respect them, they will naturally become kind.

You set the “good example”:

Be the change you want to see in your children.

Magda Gerber said, “What we teach is ourselves”, meaning that what we teach our children is a reflection of ourselves. A child whose parents are kind to each other, to them and to others will be kind. It couldn’t be otherwise, because that’s the example they experience within their family. We learn by experience.

(Example)

What could you do next time?

Starting with the thoughts we all have, thoughts that often keep us from being the parents we want to be. We all have them and we all hear them at some point – we are human. How often we give in to these fears and how much we project them onto our children depends on our level of self-awareness and whether we have worked through our emotions and childhood wounds. So we start by working on our self-awareness so that we do not become slaves to our fears. For example, if at this moment you are telling yourself the story that your child throws tantrums, is rude, and embarrasses you, how do you think you will treat them?

There will always be people who are ready to judge us and our child, people who lack knowledge about child development, and most importantly, people who do not understand your child the way you do! Accepting this pressure may make us feel that we have to push our child to be socially acceptable. We remind ourselves that the person judging us at that moment has no knowledge of child development and does not know our child as we do. If they want to see him as a child without manners and think we are bad parents, that is their perception, and it does not mean we have to adopt it. By rejecting this pressure, we empower our child and strengthen his or her resistance to the social pressures that will undoubtedly come his or her way.

Create that invisible space of emotional safety we mentioned earlier. Remove all pressure. Keep the atmosphere relaxed and remain silent for a few seconds when, for example, someone greets your child. These few moments of silence and calm give your child the space to try to express himself. If you notice that they don’t respond, greet the person on their behalf.

Later, if you’d like, you can talk to your child and acknowledge that you noticed he was a little uncomfortable being greeted today and that it’s normal to feel that way sometimes. Tell them it’s not always easy. Some days it’s easier to say “good morning” and some days it’s harder; they’ll do it when they feel ready. Reassure them that you love them and that your bond is unshakable.

If you encounter someone who makes a negative comment about your child’s lack of response or about you responding on his or her behalf, don’t let it go unaddressed. Also, avoid labeling your child as “tired” or “shy. If the person says your child is shy, you can gently explain that’s not the case and that sometimes greetings are easier and sometimes they are harder. Then continue your conversation as normal, without focusing on the fact that your child didn’t say hello.

Food for thought!

There is no one way to say hello. Your child may find it very difficult to speak and say hello. Ask your child how he or she feels most comfortable greeting people.
He/She can greet by keeping his distance and waving his hand.

  • He/She can wink.
  • He/She can smile.
  • He/She can do a Hi-Five.
  • He/She can nod.

If it is difficult to greet in any way, don’t force it! It’s OK, it’s just not the time yet.

Every time your child succeeds in expressing good manners, it will help to verbally express how it makes you feel and acknowledge his or her efforts. For example:
“You brought me ice cream when I hurt my foot. It made me feel how much you care and love me.”
“When your friend’s teddy bear fell, I saw you pick it up, shake it off, and give it back to her. Your face lit up with a smile when you gave it back. I think it made her feel special.”
“Today I saw you greet Mrs. Katerina with a smile.”

It’s not always easy to do all this. Sometimes it may even seem impossible. Authentic “good manners” is a process that takes time and faith to bear fruit. We trust that it will happen, and we carry that certainty deep in our hearts. The most important thing is that our children feel that we are on the same team, that we understand and accept them. We appreciate every effort and have the certainty that they are doing the best they can at any given moment. This alone is often enough! Imagine how you will feel when your child says “thank you” for the first time and it is authentic – they said it because they really feel it, not because you told them to! What an incredible gift!

I will leave you with my daughter’s words because I think they are the best way to end this blog:
A few days ago I asked her, “Why are you kind to people?” And she spontaneously replied, “Because I feel it in me, mom.”

In case you have not read the first part of the article, click here.

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]]> https://www.aggelikikampouri.com/en/blog-en/good-manners-part-2/feed 0 Good manners: Being genuinely polite (Part 1) https://www.aggelikikampouri.com/en/blog-en/good-manners-part-1 https://www.aggelikikampouri.com/en/blog-en/good-manners-part-1#respond Mon, 15 Apr 2024 10:41:39 +0000 “Good morning”, “Good evening”, “Thank you”, “You’re welcome”… I live abroad, and in the country where I live there is an expectation from a very young age that children must use the “magic words” – “Good morning,” “Thank you,” “Excuse me,” “Please. If a child doesn’t say them, society’s gaze can become critical. I have heard parents proudly talk about how they pressure their children...

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"Good morning", "Good evening", "Thank you", "You're welcome"...

I live abroad, and in the country where I live there is an expectation from a very young age that children must use the “magic words” – “Good morning,” “Thank you,” “Excuse me,” “Please. If a child doesn’t say them, society’s gaze can become critical. I have heard parents proudly talk about how they pressure their children to use polite words. However, this pressure can cause anxiety and damage the parent-child relationship. In many countries, society expects children to conform to social conventions that may not be appropriate for their age.

The pressure that many parents feel for social acceptance is very strong, and I can understand it; we have all experienced it to some extent. Who doesn’t want their child to be polite and respectful? Many parents feel that at that moment their child is an extension of themselves, and that at that moment they are being judged on their ability to raise their child properly.

It’s a heavy burden to think about! But forcing a child to behave in a certain way before they are ready can create emotional pressure and affect their self-esteem. Inadvertently, we complicate our children’s social interactions and diminish their self-confidence.

But why do we get so emotionally triggered when the child doesn’t say “good morning” or “thank you”?

I thought about all the times I’ve witnessed similar situations myself:

A parent comes with their child, the parent says hello and the child doesn’t say hello…

The parent, feeling embarrassed or judged, begins to put pressure on the child with comments like “What are we going to say?” or simply with that look where no words are needed to understand what is expected of you…

The child, feeling the pressure, struggles even more to respond and the parent continues to press with comments such as “Mr Christos greeted you, aren’t you going to greet him back? It’s not polite”, or simply the look becomes more “intense”…

The child may be forced to mumble a “hello” or often remains silent. Parents feel the need to justify their child’s behavior, especially if they receive comments from the third person.

Parents may feel the need to justify the behavior by labeling their child as “shy”, “tired”, etc. Sometimes they may even scold the child in front of the stranger until the desired greeting is successfully delivered.

The child then feels that they have disappointed their parents, that they are not “good” if they cannot show the required social behavior. They feel ashamed and fear that their relationship with their parents has been shattered. They feel rejected. They don’t want to be in this situation, but at the same time they don’t know how to get out of it.

Parents may feel exposed, disappointed, angry, insulted and afraid that they are raising a child who has no good manners.

Our generation has taken our parents’ voice to heart: “You must make them speak, so that they learn from an early age! That’s what good and decent parents do, otherwise you’ll raise a child who doesn’t respect others and isn’t polite! I’m sure you’re thinking: “But if I don’t teach them to be polite, who will?”

Of course, politeness begins at home, with the values that each family holds dear. But is the way we teach children to be polite the right way? Is it rudeness on our children’s part if they don’t verbalize the “magic words”, or are they simply not developmentally ready to show them?

We want politeness to come from the heart and be authentic, not just words we have learned to say mechanically without really feeling them.

But let’s think about, WHY our child is struggling to show the social skills that are so important to us parents and that seem so easy? After all, how hard is it to say “hello”? This “why” is what we need to look for and understand, without judgment.

A child may not be developmentally and emotionally ready, especially if we, as parents, have not encouraged this ability. Developing a skill takes time, patience and trust.

A child’s ability is influenced by many factors, age being one of them. For example, at around the age of 5, a child may begin to show good manners on their own, although this does not mean that it will always be the case. HOWEVER! For this to happen, the parents themselves would have had to set an example of kindness to others, to each other and to the child, over the previous five years.

Often a parent will feel the need to “correct” the child in front of others, creating a sense of shame in the child. As a result, the child may feel disappointed and fear that his or her relationship with the parent has been shattered.

The truth is that children learn politeness from the example we set as parents. We don’t just teach words, we teach values. If we pressure our children to be polite without understanding the meaning behind the words, we create a cycle of fear and pressure.

The most important thing is to be patient and allow the child to develop this skill at his or her own pace. Children don’t have the same social filters as adults. They are authentic and we need to respect that.

Let’s not pressure our child into social behavior; let’s support them in developing it in a natural and authentic way. Only then, when they feel ready, will they be able to show true politeness.

So how can we encourage authentic politeness in a way that respects our child and our own values?

(To be continued in part 2 of the article).

The post Good manners: Being genuinely polite (Part 1) appeared first on Aggeliki Kampouri.

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