"Good morning", "Good evening", "Thank you", "You're welcome"...
I live abroad, and in the country where I live there is an expectation from a very young age that children must use the “magic words” – “Good morning,” “Thank you,” “Excuse me,” “Please. If a child doesn’t say them, society’s gaze can become critical. I have heard parents proudly talk about how they pressure their children to use polite words. However, this pressure can cause anxiety and damage the parent-child relationship. In many countries, society expects children to conform to social conventions that may not be appropriate for their age.
The pressure that many parents feel for social acceptance is very strong, and I can understand it; we have all experienced it to some extent. Who doesn’t want their child to be polite and respectful? Many parents feel that at that moment their child is an extension of themselves, and that at that moment they are being judged on their ability to raise their child properly.
It’s a heavy burden to think about! But forcing a child to behave in a certain way before they are ready can create emotional pressure and affect their self-esteem. Inadvertently, we complicate our children’s social interactions and diminish their self-confidence.
But why do we get so emotionally triggered when the child doesn’t say “good morning” or “thank you”?
I thought about all the times I’ve witnessed similar situations myself:
A parent comes with their child, the parent says hello and the child doesn’t say hello…
The parent, feeling embarrassed or judged, begins to put pressure on the child with comments like “What are we going to say?” or simply with that look where no words are needed to understand what is expected of you…
The child, feeling the pressure, struggles even more to respond and the parent continues to press with comments such as “Mr Christos greeted you, aren’t you going to greet him back? It’s not polite”, or simply the look becomes more “intense”…
The child may be forced to mumble a “hello” or often remains silent. Parents feel the need to justify their child’s behavior, especially if they receive comments from the third person.
Parents may feel the need to justify the behavior by labeling their child as “shy”, “tired”, etc. Sometimes they may even scold the child in front of the stranger until the desired greeting is successfully delivered.
The child then feels that they have disappointed their parents, that they are not “good” if they cannot show the required social behavior. They feel ashamed and fear that their relationship with their parents has been shattered. They feel rejected. They don’t want to be in this situation, but at the same time they don’t know how to get out of it.
Parents may feel exposed, disappointed, angry, insulted and afraid that they are raising a child who has no good manners.
Our generation has taken our parents’ voice to heart: “You must make them speak, so that they learn from an early age! That’s what good and decent parents do, otherwise you’ll raise a child who doesn’t respect others and isn’t polite! I’m sure you’re thinking: “But if I don’t teach them to be polite, who will?”
Of course, politeness begins at home, with the values that each family holds dear. But is the way we teach children to be polite the right way? Is it rudeness on our children’s part if they don’t verbalize the “magic words”, or are they simply not developmentally ready to show them?
We want politeness to come from the heart and be authentic, not just words we have learned to say mechanically without really feeling them.
But let’s think about, WHY our child is struggling to show the social skills that are so important to us parents and that seem so easy? After all, how hard is it to say “hello”? This “why” is what we need to look for and understand, without judgment.
A child may not be developmentally and emotionally ready, especially if we, as parents, have not encouraged this ability. Developing a skill takes time, patience and trust.
A child’s ability is influenced by many factors, age being one of them. For example, at around the age of 5, a child may begin to show good manners on their own, although this does not mean that it will always be the case. HOWEVER! For this to happen, the parents themselves would have had to set an example of kindness to others, to each other and to the child, over the previous five years.
Often a parent will feel the need to “correct” the child in front of others, creating a sense of shame in the child. As a result, the child may feel disappointed and fear that his or her relationship with the parent has been shattered.
The truth is that children learn politeness from the example we set as parents. We don’t just teach words, we teach values. If we pressure our children to be polite without understanding the meaning behind the words, we create a cycle of fear and pressure.
The most important thing is to be patient and allow the child to develop this skill at his or her own pace. Children don’t have the same social filters as adults. They are authentic and we need to respect that.
Let’s not pressure our child into social behavior; let’s support them in developing it in a natural and authentic way. Only then, when they feel ready, will they be able to show true politeness.
So how can we encourage authentic politeness in a way that respects our child and our own values?
(To be continued in part 2 of the article).