My personal story
There was a time when my daughter’s big emotions were very present in our life. In the face of those big, overwhelming moments, I would often find that my knowledge and personal work seemed to vanish. My own nervous system would get hijacked, making it difficult to access the tools I knew so well. My ability to be the consistent, sturdy leader my child needed would disappear. Some days I could provide the clear limits and calm co-regulation; other days, my own fear and anxiety would take over, which only made things harder for both of us.
Triggers from my own childhood:
I felt overwhelmed and clueless. I could guide other parents, but at that period I could not offer the same to myself. Guilt was very present because I was raised to feel responsible for others’ feelings. I could understand the pathway I needed to follow, but often that clarity came only after the storm. I felt inadequate, alone, afraid, and heartbroken.
Why?
I was raised in a house where aggression wasn’t allowed—not just the behavior, but the feeling itself. Passive aggression was common, and expressing emotions openly was dangerous. Growing up, I never learned to feel, regulate, or understand aggressive emotions as safe.
This meant that when my daughter expressed aggression, my body reacted as if it were in danger. My little self resurfaced, and all my unresolved childhood wounds demanded to be seen and healed. In those moments, we tend to confuse which emotions are whose. It is like playing the game of hot potato.
Parenting from reactivity:
In the face of my child’s big emotions, I sometimes parented from reactivity rather than presence. My triggers and old wounds took control. Like my younger self, I was terrified that my child would feel abandoned or hurt if she “lost connection” with me.
So what did my reactivity look like? I rushed to offer reconnection too soon. My fear that I might hurt her like my parents had hurt me stopped me from allowing her to experience and regulate her big emotions safely.
I realized that by rushing, I was teaching her that her aggression scared me and I was making her afraid of her own feelings. I was unintentionally stealing opportunities for her to build emotional regulation and resilience, skills I wanted her to cultivate.
Breaking the cycle:
I thought it would be easier to break this cycle. After all, I had been in personal psychotherapy for over a decade, I was a certified parent coach, and I had the knowledge. But I was wrong…
Being the first to break a generational cycle is messy, nonlinear, and takes time.
Change doesn’t come magically; it comes with effort, patience, and self-compassion. I had to become aware of my reactivity, look honestly at myself, feel what needed to be felt, and intentionally recognize and work through my triggers.
I allowed myself to learn that connection isn’t lost the moment things get hard, and that repair is more powerful when it comes from calm rather than fear. Moments of disconnection aren’t dangerous, as long as we return to connection when we’re ready. Children cannot learn to tolerate their feelings if we do not first tolerate them in the moment with them.
Reactive parenting doesn’t only come through punishment or yelling; it can also come from fear, guilt, or over-repairing.
What is reactive parenting?
Have you ever found yourself yelling at your child, only to regret it a moment later? Do you sometimes feel like you’re reacting on autopilot, swept up by the chaos of the moment? If so, you’re not alone. This is what’s known as reactive parenting. It happens when we respond to our children’s behavior in the heat of the moment, often with a quick, emotional, and impulsive reaction.
It’s “survival mode” parenting, where we are triggered and act without pausing to think about what’s really going on.
It can look like:
• Yelling or giving a punishment in the heat of the moment.
• Resorting to threats out of frustration.
• Over-apologizing or rushing to repair out of guilt.
• Freezing or withdrawing to avoid conflict.
This type of reaction doesn’t come from a place of intention; it comes from a place of stress and exhaustion. Our nervous system feels threatened, and we react automatically instead of intentionally.
Example: Refusing to put on shoes
Reactive parenting response:
You are at the door and your child refuses to put on their shoes, and you’re already late. You say it once! …twice…stress rises quickly.
You snap and yell:
“Put your shoes NOW! Why are you always so slow? You never listen! If you don’t put your shoes on right now, we’re not going anywhere and no dessert after lunch!”
What’s happening for your child:
- Stress and activation of the nervous system:
The child’s amygdala senses threat (yelling, pressure, fear of losing connection) and triggers fight, flight, or freeze responses. (Harvard Center on the Developing Child) - Emotional overwhelm:
Instead of focusing on putting shoes on, the child’s brain is flooded with strong emotions—fear, frustration, shame, or defiance. - Learning through fear:
The child may begin to associate mistakes or delays with anger and disconnection from the parent. - Power struggle loop:
Their resistance grows because their nervous system is in survival mode, not reasoning mode.
What’s happening for the parent:
- Stress and nervous system hijack:
Your amygdala gets triggered by a perceived “threat” (the pressure of being late, the child not cooperating) and triggers your fight-or-flight response. Your prefrontal cortex—the part responsible for reasoning, empathy, and reflection—is temporarily offline. - Emotional escalation:
You feel frustration, panic, or anger rising. Your heart rate increases, breathing may become shallow, and your voice may get louder. - Cognitive narrowing:
In the heat of the moment, your focus narrows to the urgent task (getting out the door), making it harder to see your child’s perspective or respond calmly. - Guilt and regret afterward:
After the interaction, your reflective mind returns, and you notice you reacted in a way that doesn’t align with your parenting values. This can create self-blame, anxiety, or feelings of inadequacy. - Cycle reinforcement:
Your heightened emotional state models stress-driven behavior, which can reinforce your child’s nervous system activation in future moments.
What is responsive parenting?
This is the opposite. It’s a purposeful, regulated, and empathetic approach. It means taking a pause before deciding how to respond, giving yourself a moment to think about what your child is really communicating with their behavior. It’s about being present, understanding their feelings and needs (yours too!), and choosing a response that is helpful and constructive, rather than just a reaction.
It looks like:
• Pausing to breathe before responding.
• Naming the emotion: “I see you’re angry” or “I can see that something is bothering you”.
• Holding calm authority with compassion.
• Repairing after rupture from a grounded place.
Responsive parenting doesn’t mean permissive parenting. It doesn’t mean children never face limits. Instead, children learn that all emotions are safe to feel and that parents will meet them with steadiness, not fear.
Example: Refusing to put on shoes
Responsive parenting response:
You notice your child refusing to put on their shoes and recognize that you’re feeling the stress of running late.
You pause, take a breath, and remind yourself:
“Accidents and delays are part of learning, and your child is still developing executive function and spatial awareness.”
You say calmly:
“Looks like putting on shoes is tricky right now. Let’s take a moment. You bring the shoes, I’ll help…then we can head out together.”
You guide them without pressure, integrate them into the process, and after they participate, you thank them and, if appropriate, problem-solve together:
- “What could we do next time to make this easier?”
- Your child may respond: “I can put on both shoes first, then my coat.”
- You acknowledge: “That sounds like a great plan!”
“Without pressure” doesn’t mean you have unlimited time or that your own stress magically disappears. It means you are not transferring your sense of urgency and panic directly onto your child. Instead of using your stress to force their compliance, you acknowledge your own feelings and then act as a regulated presence.
What’s happening for your child:
- Safety and nervous system regulation:
Your calm presence helps the child’s amygdala down-regulate, allowing them to engage the prefrontal cortex. - Learning through co-regulation:
They experience guidance without threat, learning problem-solving and patience. - Emotional validation:
Feeling seen and understood reduces shame or frustration. - Skill-building:
They practice cooperation, self-regulation, and decision-making in a supportive environment.
What’s happening for the parent:
- Prefrontal cortex online:
By pausing and regulating, you stay connected to your reasoning and empathy centers. - Calm presence maintained:
Your heart rate and breathing stabilize, reducing impulsive reactions. - Modeling regulation:
Your child observes healthy coping and regulation in real time. - Reinforced confidence:
Choosing presence over reactivity strengthens your parenting identity and resilience for future moments.
The neuroscience behind it
When parents are stressed, the amygdala (the brain’s alarm center) can hijack the prefrontal cortex—the part responsible for empathy, reflection, and thoughtful decision-making. This explains why reactive parenting often takes over in the heat of the moment, even for knowledgeable, loving parents. (Harvard Center on the Developing Child)
The Polyvagal Theory (Stephen Porges) adds another layer: when we feel safe, our nervous system supports connection and learning. When we feel threatened, we flip into fight, flight, or freeze—exactly what children sense in us.
Why responsive parenting is hard (and misconceptions)
Being a responsive parent isn’t always easy. In fact, it can be incredibly difficult, especially when you’re tired, stressed, or just running on empty. It requires you to manage your own emotions first, which is often the hardest part. You might feel like you’re failing, or that it’s impossible to “get it right” all the time. But remember, the goal isn’t perfection—it’s progress.
Even with knowledge, many parents struggle.
- Misconception 1: “Responsive means permissive.”
Reality: Responsive parents set limits—they just do it without fear. - Misconception 2: “If I stay calm, my child will too.”
Reality: Calm helps, but children still experience their full range of emotions. - Misconception 3: “Knowledge alone is enough.”
Reality: In the heat of the moment, old triggers often override what we “know.”
Being responsive is a practice, not a personality trait. - Misconception 4: “My parents yelled/punished me, and I didn’t die—I survived.”
Reality: Survival is not the same as thriving. Yes, many of us “survived” harsh discipline, but often at the cost of carrying hidden wounds: difficulty trusting, fear of conflict, or struggles with self-worth.
Responsive parenting isn’t about keeping kids “comfortable”. It’s about giving them the tools to regulate emotions, build resilience, and feel safe in relationships.
The power of the pause
The single most important tool for moving from reactive to responsive parenting is the “pause.” It’s a simple idea, but it can be a game-changer. When you feel yourself about to react, take a moment to pause. Take a deep breath. This small break gives you a chance to calm your own nervous system and choose a more thoughtful response.
Steps to becoming more responsive
- Acknowledge your feelings: When your child’s behavior triggers you, recognize your own emotions. Tell yourself, “I’m feeling frustrated right now,” without judgment (that is key!)
- Take a “Mommy/Daddy moment”: Calmly tell your child, “I need a moment to think about this, and I will comeback in two minutes” and step away for those 2 minutes.
- Choose your response: Once you’ve calmed down, you can decide on a response that is both firm and respectful. A helpful way to do this is to get on your child’s level, make eye contact, and speak in a calm voice.
- Embrace imperfection: Remember that no parent is perfect. The goal is simply to be more responsive than you are reactive. It’s about building a better habit over time.
Walking the path
If you’ve been, or are there, you are not alone. This is a path many of us are walking imperfectly, but intentionally. Awareness and practice are already steps toward change.
Responsive parenting vs reactive parenting is not about perfection. It’s about showing up with presence more often, allowing repair when needed, and breaking cycles one step at a time.
